Baseball – Ready to Join the Team?

I am starting a baseball team, and would like to invite you the reader to join us.  Geography is no obstacle, you can join regardless of where you live!  We will have three practices a week, with a game every Sunday.  This practice schedule may sound a little too intense for you to fit into your busy schedule, but I feel it is necessary so as to get us all well-trained in the true and classic rules (which may differ from what you are used to).  You see, you are going to be playing real baseball, according to the real rules which have been so casually discarded by modern-day players and coaches.  I know that for decades now we have seen major league baseball being played here in the U.S. a certain way, and those rules have never undergone a significant change.  I am sorry to inform you that despite years of experience and the careful inspection of thousands of experts, they have been playing it wrong all this time!  Shocking, I know!!  But after having a conversation with several of my open-minded friends over a copy of the rule book, we have been able to shed the chains of bondage that held us (for far too long) captive to the restrictive and erroneous interpretation of the game.  Ahhh…..the freedom to play baseball the way it was meant to be played!  We want you to now be free as well.  From here on out, it is only the true and classical rules for us!  We will start training immediately!!

You see, when the rules discuss the use of a “bat”, it isn’t some foreign and man-made blunt object used for striking balls that the word refers to…that would be absurd!  Despite the long tradition, this notion is a misinterpretation of the original text.  The rules were written by men who loved getting outdoors and playing a sport that allowed them to enjoy nature.  Would these same men then advocate cutting down a living being (a tree) and making a blunt striking weapon out if it for mere pleasure?  Absolutely not!  The word “bat” is a word-picture for something we all have naturally…our legs!  It is simply an exciting image of our legs as we play the game, nothing else.  Of course, you must now be thinking how much it will hurt having those hard little baseballs strike your bat-legs and bat-feet (it hurts just thinking about it, doesn’t it?)  Well I am happy to inform you that the word “baseball” has been twisted over centuries of tradition by our well-meaning friends as well!  The ball really isn’t the small, hard little object you grew up learning about.  May it never be!  When reading the real rules, we must pay close attention to the words themselves.  The word “baseball” can actually be described by its’ very name.  It is a ball, of course, but instead of a small, hard object flying through the air, it is a ball that rolls along the ground (you know, the base of every object).  It is also much larger and softer, so as not to hurt your bat-feet.  Often, baseball purists color this baseball with black and white 5-sided panels, each of the five sides representing a different dimension of their love for this historic national pastime.

Unfortunately, we have all been deceived by well-meaning traditional American coaches, too.  In their attempt to provide a literal interpretation of the rules, they have missed the intended spirit and fun of the game!  Running base would have been far too arduous and physically demanding for our sport-loving forefathers, and we have now (through modern forensics and interpretive techniques) been able to decipher their true intent.  Scoring is done by simply kicking the black and white baseball (using only your bat-feet) into a net called the “goal”.  Yes, I said “goal” and I will say it again if you like !  If not for your education then simply because I find the yoke-shattering truth to be marvelously exciting in its’ liberation!  I will shout “goal” from the rooftops if I must!

Now, I know what you must be thinking right now.  You are thinking that I have redefined the words and concepts of a well-loved and traditional game so that it is now a different game entirely.  You couldn’t be further from the truth!  Not to mention the fact that (I feel ugly just saying this) you are being judgmental and combative in your suggestion that I am a baseball coach in name only (insinuating I am really leading people into another sport).  I resent such accusations.  If you doubt my credibility, then I refer you to my first statement where I clearly stated I am starting a baseball team!  I must be a baseball coach if that is what my title and profession is…right?!???

I would like to finish teaching you the true rules of baseball, but it will have to wait.  I am off to listen to my favorite “christian” speakers Rob Bell and Brian McLaren.  I am so grateful that they are willing to teach others and myself the real truths of Scripture that have for so long been misinterpreted by the Christian church.  May the chains be broken so that I can now be on God’s true!

I hope to see you at the “baseball” field, but if not, maybe I will see you in “church”!

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3 Comments on “Baseball – Ready to Join the Team?”

  1. victor3144 Says:

    Strange but true!
    Derby County Baseball Club England. The club was the outright winners of the first championship of the National Baseball League of Great Britain and Ireland in 1890. However, pressure from other teams in the league over the number of American players Derby used forced them to resign at the end of the league’s first season, though the baseball club itself lasted until 1898. It then somehow or other was transformed into Derby County F.C. “Soccer Team.” Unil a few years ago their home stadium was call the Baseball Ground when it was redeveloped for housing and they then moved to Pride Park their present home ground.
    Do you think someone discovered the same flaw in the rules that you have?

    Reply

    • ChurchSalt Says:

      Soccer being played at a so-called baseball field, eh? I might have been tempted to use that if I had known about it when writing this post! Thanks for the trivia and for stopping by!

      Reply

  2. The Master's Slave Says:

    Ha! Never thought you of all people had such a sense of humour coming from Texas and all…wow!

    Reply

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